Guidance for Parents: Coping with Difficult Events

How do I talk to my children about tragic current events?

Take the time to check in with yourself. Process the information and cope with the emotions you may be feeling. This will help you better manage the emotions your children may be experiencing.

Set up a time to talk. Don’t wait for them to come to you. Set time during the day to ask what they have heard, what their thoughts are and what they are feeling.

• Ask open-ended questions, such as “How are you feeling about that?” This will help you know how much they know and understand how they are processing at their developmental level. If your child does not want to talk about it, that‘s OK too!

• If your child is asking you about the event, it means they are ready to talk about it.

• Ask your child, “Do you have any questions about what is happening?” Answer their questions in an age-appropriate way but be honest.

  • For younger kids, you can give vague answers, such as “Sometimes the people in charge make decisions we may not agree with.”

  • With older kids, you can be more specific about the details, for example use the names of who is involved or how systems work.

• Try only to give small bits of information at once; maybe a sentence or two. This allows the child to guide the conversation and determine how much information they’re ready to hear. If they ask follow-up questions, they’re ready to hear more.

• You don’t need to know all the answers - that’s OK! You can let your child know if you don’t know the answer to one of their questions. You can look up answers together or sometimes you can talk about how some things are unknown or have no good explanations.

• Try to be as objective as possible (don’t add judgment). State the facts of what is happening without sensationalizing. Describing events as horrifying or describing the worse possible outcome will increase their fear.

• Normalize the emotions. Any emotion your child shares is valid. Don’t dismiss their emotions by saying things such as “Don’t be afraid.” Instead, tell them you understand and you are also feeling worried. Talk about ways to cope with the emotions or prepare for difficult situations.

If your child needs additional support at school, please reach out to your school counselor, Wellness Center staff, and/or the principal or site administrator.

Tips for kids under 7

• Keep the news away. Turn off the TV and radio news at the top of the hour and half hour. Read the newspaper out of range of young eyes that can be frightened by the pictures (kids may respond strongly to pictures of other kids in jeopardy). Preschool kids don't need to see or hear about something that will only scare them silly, especially because they can easily confuse facts with fantasies or fears.

• Tell them that your family is safe, loved, and valued. At this age, kids are most worried about safety and separation from you. It's important to help them feel safe and cope with their feelings, even during troubling times. Try not to downplay their concerns and fears. Reassure your kids by explaining all the ways they can find protection and help, like reaching out to family and loved ones. If the news event happened far away, you can mention the distance to comfort them.

• For kids who live in communities that experience higher rates of violence, news of tragic events may trigger extra fears. If that happens, share a few age-appropriate tips for staying and feeling safe, such as staying close to a trusted adult, knowing who to contact in case of an emergency, and keeping away from police activity.

• Be together. Though it's important to listen and not belittle their fears, distraction and physical comfort can go a long way. Snuggling up and watching something cheery or doing something fun together may be more effective than logical explanations about probabilities.

Tips for kids age 8–12

• Carefully consider your child's maturity and temperament. Many kids can handle a discussion of threatening events, but if your kids tend toward the sensitive side, be sure to keep them away from the TV news. Repetitive images and stories can make dangers appear greater, more prevalent, and closer to home.

• Be available for questions and conversation. At this age, many kids will see the morality of events in stark black-and-white terms and are in the process of developing their moral beliefs. You may have to explain the basics of prejudice, bias, and civil and religious strife. This is a good time to ask them what they know, since they'll probably have gotten their information from friends, and you may have to correct facts.

• Talk about -- and filter -- news coverage. You might explain that even news programs compete for viewers, which sometimes affects content decisions. If you let your kids use the internet, go online with them. Some of the pictures posted are simply grisly. Monitor where your kids are going, and set your URLs to open to non-news-based portals.

How do I talk to my teen about tragic current events?

Check in. Since, in many instances, teens will have absorbed the news independently of you, talking with them can offer great insights into their developing politics and their senses of justice and morality. It will also help you get a sense of what they already know or have learned about the situation from their own social networks. And it will give you the opportunity to throw your own insights into the mix (just don't dismiss theirs, since that will shut down the conversation immediately).

Let teens express themselves. Many teens will feel passionately about events and may even personalize them if someone they know has been directly affected. They'll also probably be aware that their own lives could be affected by violence.

• Try to address their concerns without dismissing or minimizing them. If you disagree with media portrayals, explain why so your teens can separate the mediums they get news from and the messages conveyed.

If your teen needs additional support at school, please reach out to your school counselor, Wellness Center staff, and/or the principal or site administrator.

Do you or a family member need help finding a mental health care or substance use treatment provider?

• You can contact Care Solace, a complimentary and confidential mental health care coordination service provided by Napa Valley Unified School District:

  • Call 888-515-0595. Support is available 24/7/365 in any language.

  • Visit caresolace.com/nvusd and either search on your own OR click “Book Appointment” for assistance by video chat, email, or phone.

• Through Brightlife Kids, you can get free, personalized support for kids ages 0–12, including expert coaching for sleep issues, worry, social skills, and more. Live, 1:1 video sessions, secure chat, on-demand content, and more.
  • Brightlife Kids - A Calhope Program by Brightline

If you need help with an mental health emergency:

• Call 911 or and request a Crisis Intervention Trained (C.I.T.) response

• Go to the closest emergency room for support

• Text “Hello” or “Home” to 741741 to connect with support

• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

  • English: 800-273-TALK

  • Español: 888-628-9454

  • TTYY: 800-799-4889

• Online chat: suicidepreventionlifeline.org

• Trevor Lifeline LGBTQQ+ Crisis Support: 1-866-488-7386

If you have a safety concern:

• If there is an emergency concern: Call 911

• If you have a non emergency concern about school safety:

  • Email: studentservices@nvusd.org

  • Call: 707-253-3562

  • File an anonymous report: 

    • Dial TIP411

    • Text 707SAFE plus your anonymous safety report

What to say to kids when the news is scary (NPR)

Helping Children with Tragic Events in the News (PBS)

Parent Guidelines for Helping Youth After the Recent Shooting (The National Child Traumatic Stress Network)

Helping Children Cope with Frightening News (Child Mind Institute)